My mind had subconsciously built up a wall around itself, one in which you could see in and out of it, nothing could actually get through. It gave the illusion that I was there, yet I wasn’t there, I was locked up in my own world. You can say I have a ‘hard to approach’ vibe, to say the least. It’s as if I was hiding behind the walls of my mental fortress, fearful of an unlikely outside attack, when the only enemies I needed to worry about lurked inside the castle walls, not outside.
Over the years I’ve tried to tear down this massive wall, to actually let people in and let myself out. But it’s funny how fragile our psyches can be, because every time I see you it brings back that past trauma. When I was a prisoner inside my own castle, and while I wanted so badly to break free, I lacked the skills or the courage to do so. Those times when the very walls that I had built to protect me, had started to work against me. Every time I am reminded about what it was like being alone, it kills me a little inside. Every time that happens I feel like I should just give up, that maybe I was meant to be alone forever. But the thing is, if I ever want to accomplish anything in life, I can’t quit halfway through, and I can’t be telling myself I can’t do it either. If I’m not where I want to be, it’s only because I am not trying hard enough. You have the choice of walking down the same old beat-up path known as ’history’, sometimes called ’destiny’, or you can forge a new path in which you can do anything and be anything you want to be.
So, as cliche as it sounds, it’s not you, it’s me. I just need to try harder.